Sometimes, when you are new, it seems that everyone who talks authoritatively knows what they are talking about, but if you give it time, you can begin to pinpoint who says things that tend to be accurate and backed by fact, and who's just blowing his or her mouth off.  There are lots of people out there in BDSMland passing themselves off as mentors who are just looking for more little fuck bunnies. They're collecting subbies for their stable and they've learned that some submissives are less defensive and more open around a Dom who appears to want to mentor them than they are around a dom who appears to want to get in their pants.

How do you find this out?   Talk to the mentor's former or current mentees and find out if there's lots of sex involved in this person's mentorship of them.  If there is, and what you want is no strings attached sex with an authority figure, then by all means go for it!  But if you want to be advised and helped by someone who keeps your best interests at heart and won't encourage you to play with him if it would be bad for you, then don't choose Master Fuck-em-all for your mentor, even if he's the most respected dominant in your particular cyberpond, even if all the other subbies want him, even if being chosen by him is some sort of "great honor."

The pickle grabber is an obscure kitchen utensil which is (surprise!) used by some people somewhere to pull pickles out of a large jar or barrel of brine without getting your hands wet or getting your "cooties" in the brine.

The pickle grabber we have resembles a large white plastic syringe with a red button on one end and a small hole on the other end.  When you push in the red button, four thin metal wires emerge from the other end.  The wires tips are bent inward, so the thing looks like a mean little metal claw.  The further the tips get out of their plastic sheath, the wider they move apart (the evil claw opens!)  This is all controlled by a spring inside the syringe, so that the person pulling the pickle can vary, to a precise degree, how wide the claw extends, just by letting up on or adding more pressure to the red button.

Perverted uses?  Imagine that little claw with its sharp prongs grabbing your nipple.  Or a labia fold.  Or the soft tissue of your vagina.  Or imagine it being pushed, very slowly and carefully open inside your rectum (my master's favorite use for this nasty little device--but be careful here: although the prongs are tiny, they are pretty sharp and could hurt you if used carelessly).  The pain it gives is hard to describe, but if any of you have ever been pricked on your skin with a hatpin, it feels like that, but worse.   A very intense little pain on a very tiny spot of skin, the kind of pain that doesn't make you pass out, but drives you crazy with it's nasty, stinging pricking.   I hate the sensation, myself, so my master uses this more as a punishment device than a play device.

Pickle grabbers can be obtained from kitchen stores, where they keep small utensils or at some upscale grocery stores.  I think they cost about $6, so almost everyone can afford them.

From observing how kinky people relate over the years, but especially since the huge popularization of S&M, I've noticed that both doms and subs new to this sexuality seem to think that it is such a wonderful, powerful, magical way to live -- that becoming a sadomasochist somehow cancels out the ordinary human emotional conditioning and ways of behaving that we all are burdened with.  If you're kinky, all sorts of new attitudes and behaviors should be open to you that are impossible for "ordinary mortals," goes this thinking.  Well, of course that's bull hooky, but people act as if it were so, especially online where a lot of confusion exists about multiple relationships (i.e., kinky swinging, harems, and polyamory).

For many people, it's as if somehow just the act of discovering kinky desires turns you into a superhuman, capable of having full, rich, intimate, complex, and mutually satisfying sexual relationships with more than one person at a time with everybody completely happy about the situation -- even if before, all such polyamorous experiments (assuming you attempted them) ended in dismal failure.  The idea that one can magically and instantly change into something much better and stronger than what one was before simply because one has realized a simple fact about one's sexual interests is a perfect example of wish-fulfillment thinking:  if I want it, it must be so. 

Since when is that ever true in any other area of life?  If you want something badly, something that's normally hard to obtain or achieve, you either have to (a) inherit it, (b) have the talent, skill, intelligence, and luck to get it, or (c) be willing to work very, very hard for it.   And even then, you may not get it.  But somehow, just because you are a dominant with a capital D you're supposed to be able to have one of the most difficult things to achieve in the world without work, without great good fortune, without the skills, talents, or ability for keeping multiple submissives happy and fulfilled.

And somehow you're supposed to magically be able to do this quite difficult thing even when all your life you've had a hell of a time keeping simple monogamous relationships together!  Yeah, right.   Uh-huh.  I buy that.  To all the dominants out there who believe in the "transformational magic of sadomasochism" tooth fairy, I have a cute little submissive bridge I'd like to sell you...  and for an amazingly reasonable price! <grin>

The thing I hate most about the online environment is the way in which it attracts so many emotionally and mentally disturbed people.  Individuals whom one would quickly cross the street to avoid in real life become stars or gurus on the nets.  Online communications attract people with something to hide, as it is so easy to be someone or something else when all people have to see are your typed words.  This form of communicating is incredibly seductive to people who are severely dysfunctional in in-person social encounters -- hiding safely behind a screen takes away almost all social anxiety.  And while that can be good for certain types of people (the pathologically shy suddenly have a means to express themselves), it tends to make most people who are already sick and dysfunctional even more so.

The cyber world attracts many obsessive people who cannot control the time they spend on line and who take everything that happens in this artificial environment way too seriously.  Unfortunately, such pathetic people, because of their apparent seriousness and willingness to spend all of their free time (and most of their work time!) online, are often highly admired by others, as they are usually the biggest contributors to whatever cyber worlds they choose to inhabit.  No one else can keep up with their volume.  This obsessiveness, besides causing such people to neglect whatever shreds of a real life they might have, becomes, after a while, a strongly negative force.  When the honeymoon phase of the virtual world wears off, these people become the cyber-cops, the people who carry grudges and engage in on-line vendettas, the rigid attackers or upholders of rules, the constant whiners about how great Cyber Place X used to be, before all these new people came, the cyber personalities who evoke hatred, fear, or revulsion in the rest of us.

Even ordinary, nice people often become pretty awful online, as the buffered safety of this medium seems to lower inhibitions faster than guzzling a bottle of fortified wine would.  Ordinarily decent people say things and do things on line that they would never consider saying or doing if they were face to face with you.  This is a medium of egotistical rudeness, of ruthless aggression where people who are friends one day are dire enemies the next, and of a weird kind of showing off and one-upmanship:  the sort of showing off that can only be done with rhetoric and with building a strong "gang" or following of virtual henchmen who staunchly support you and attack anyone who doesn't.

i guess to the outsider it would be like being in a trance, but to me it's a time to concentrate on Master only and his touch ...  his voice and the way he makes me feel. once i'm there Master could do anything to me, i.e., spanking, bondage, waxplay.  i feel no pain only warmth and the most sexual feelings i have ever encountered.  i'm just now learning how to go there another way when Master pushes my pain limits and takes me further than i have been before.  i found if i concentrate on his voice i can go there on my own.  But i can never get there in a punishment time :(   NOT sure why but i just can't seem to get into the same space Master is glad!!!  he doesn't want me there then so maybe that is why i can't go, who knows???

does anyone else use subspace in their relationship?

I went in and watched much of what was going on in some of the BDSM-related chat sites.  I wanted to progress beyond bedroom role play, and thought that these were people that might be able to help me find the best way to do that.  They SEEMED open, honest, and knowledgeable.  Granted, some are, but what I found were those who were experts at painting pretty pictures and grandiose ideas of how a "slave life" was to be carried out.  I wanted to experience what was so beautifully played out in these rooms, so brought my husband/Master in to see what I found.  Quickly, we began to feel more open about discussing our commitment to a 24/7 D/s relationship.

But when we began putting into practice what we learned, we found that it wasn't all peaceful, flowery, and simple as it seemed.  I began speaking up about the fact that there are issues, problems, concerns, and difficulties within my submission.  I was told by a few cyber Masters, as well as submissives, that because of my feelings and difficulties, I was not a true submissive.  WELL, these respected people MUST know what they are talking about RIGHT??  These cyber Masters who claim to know all, MUST know about what it takes to be a true submissive RIGHT?  And the submissives who told me about their feelings for their Masters, their ease and comfort at kneeling and being used, the peace they found in it always, never a struggle.  They MUST know, because they are TRUE submissives RIGHT?  They were the ones that were looked up to as role models, etc.  I took a real blow to my self-esteem, and devalued my submission as being not TRUE submission, for I didn't feel the peace within it ALL the time. 

According to some, my struggles came from the fact that I was trying to be something that I am not.  I am now secure in the fact, after talking with others that submit to REAL people, who feel the frustration, the hesitation, the unsurity, the struggle, that my difficulties do not come from the fact that I am not a submissive, but from the fact that I am giving of myself without the security of having a power button that allows me to exit.  Submission to another flawed human being, where the lashes really do hurt, where the world isn't so accepting and kind, that may be inconvenient at times, in positions that may be very humiliating and not pretty.

Those who turn on their computer, enter a chat site, find a Dom, and engage in a scene in which they can sit back, read, think about, formulate a response, type it out, and paint a beautiful picture of their submission, are SEEKING it.  They are ready and willing, and then have the luxury of being physically removed.  Enjoying the mental feelings, and creating something that they wish to be involved in.  Unfortunately, physical "in your face" submission isn't always like that.  I don't have to tell a group of RT submissives the reasons this is so.

Pushing limits via cyber might cause a little anxiety, but you can always wing it, turn off the puter, and go about your day because you are removed enough from the situation that it is possible to do so.  But sometimes it's not pretty pushing limits for real.  When the fear and the pain and the humiliation are real.  When the fear of failure is looming, the Master is "in your face", and there is no "winging it", I would venture to guess that many would have difficulties, hesitation, and barriers to overcome.  Is this submissive behavior?  Many online would say no. A TRUE submissive wouldn't have those problems.  But, I say it is natural for a submissive to have those problems.   Cyber allowed me to initially see the beauty in submission, to take some pride in my feelings, but it did not show me the reality of it.  Within LATCHES, I hope that we will see both.  The beauty and the reality woven together, gaining recognition and pride from our struggles and successes, and also gaining support and understanding from our failures.

I really had to think about this for a few days before I could put onto paper what I believe is my *personal* philosophy on this subject.  I say personal because everyone must do what they feel works best for them, and member responses on this subject have been great.  This is one of those not very sexy subjects that VT D/s never have to deal with...  but BOY, is it a huge issue for those of us with children in RT BDSM!  For me, a political feminist (now please, ya'll...don't freak out on me!), it is a very important issue because I want to be true to myself (my belief system, my sexual needs, my *heart*) and I want to be really, really authentic with my two daughters who are still at home.   They are teenagers, and I love and cherish them with all of my heart.  They are "kewl" kids, and smart, and... WATCHING ME ALL OF THE TIME! 

Now how would it look, if after all these years of my talking to them about choice and personal liberty... self-reliance and personal strength (traits they have really learned much better than me!) suddenly I began to publicly appear as subservient, unable to function without direction from my husband... needy?  After all, these are emotions that I honestly cope with... emotions that my Master helps me to deal with.  What kind of example would I be setting?  What kind of life might I be setting my own daughters up for?  Abusive relationships (...been there, done that) with silly, arrogant assholes, that's what!  On the other hand, how can I pretend to be anything but utterly devoted and dependent on my husband (their step-father)?  Well, this is how it works for me...

As long as I can remember (way before I had the Master I am so fortunate to have now), I have told them that one of their greatest gifts as women as humans is to be able to love others, to be tolerant and compassionate as far as is possible... that there is NO WEAKNESS in serving others... it is a strength to be selfless and kind.  It is always easier to be mean when someone hurts us, but it is noble to try and meet others with love or at least with some understanding. 

In that vein, my children (son included) have never heard me cheer with the "man bashers" on Oprah, never seen me tell my husband or anyone for that matter "to get it for yourself!", they have never heard me make comments about "all men are...".  They have heard me say that I am proud to be a good wife, a good mother, a very smart business owner, a survivor, and a very strong advocate for women's issues.  So-o-o... for that reason, they have not been surprised to see me wait on D. hand and foot!  I call him "Daddy" quite often, and they are used to it (though they tease me some.)   He pounds the sofa cushion next to him and growls at me to get over there, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU WHERE YOU BELONG!"... and they giggle (although, I know that sometimes that is a prelude to Big Discipline!).  They would not be surprised if I spoonfed him his supper, because they know I usually will do anything to make the people in my home... the people I am here on this earth to love with all of my being... happy.

And yes, that can include them...and no, they are not spoiled, in fact, all of my kids are really sweet and protective of me.  Does all of this mean that I don't set a good example for my girls?  I don't think so.  I raised them many years on my own, I am the first person in a room to stand up and be counted with an opinion (I wish I wasn't!) often, a minority opinion.  I have withstood many unpleasant life situations and come out on top (YEECH, what a choice of words!).  I know and my Master knows that I was born to submit my will to another... my children know that I am a woman who finds strength in nurturing others -- so there is no dichotomy, no mixed messages... at least I don't think so. 

Finally, it helps oh, so very much to have a wise Master.  One who knows that although he may require anything of you at anytime, is still capable of restraint.  D. will make demands on me quite obviously in front of others mainly as a form of humiliation, because he knows I cannot refuse.. .but this he reserves for those times when I have really gone off the beam!   Everything else is good sense...  NO, you can't leave the whips and clothes pins out on the coffee table and YES, we can all dream of the day when the kids finally move out on their own!

Many nights I sit and read the posts and feel like an outsider...  like a piece of some large jigsaw puzzle that does not fit within the mass of other pieces.  I sit back and wonder if I ever will... really *fit*.

I see so many people that have Doms who are their life partner or living with them or even within a few hours drive... then I look at myself... and I wonder... how long can I wait.... how much can I endure.... how true is my submission when I hold these questions and doubts.

I do not live with the Master I serve...  I do not live within a few hours drive of him...  I am 8 hours by plane to his feet.  I am not married to my Master...  I have not know him for years and years...  nor have I borne him children.  I simply do not hold this type of history with the man I serve...  I am a submissive who waits for her place at his feet. 

I first met him last August in person, it was pure unbridled fire, passion, lust and emotion...  I found my submissive soul with this man... a soul I didn’t know lived within this body I thought I knew so well.  From that visit on... we fell in love... we fell hard, deep and now... my heart, body/blood and soul..... every breath..... belongs to this man that has captured my very essences.  Now I burn within an endless wildfire...  I try and find ways to soothe the deep ache that grows within me.  I am alone with this pain...  I am alone with my tears...  I am alone with my questions...  I am scared...  I need the Master I kneel to... to give that wounding kiss... to grace me with his healing touch.  I am a submissive who waits for time to give what it cruelly denies.

I find myself... angry for feeling so ~sorry~ for myself... for being weak.  In my eyes, I am failing as a submissive and I will express this view of failure to my Master and he is quick to correct me in my “view”...  as it is not for me to view such, for in his eyes I am not failing..  so I am told to stop with my private pity party and concentrate on the issue at hand...  getting myself in a position to move over to be with him.  He has ~kindly~ *wink* given me a daily routine that I am to adhere to in networking and submitting my resume for employment.  It is extremely hard to secure a job in this area.

One of my hardest situations is keeping myself down in my mind.  What I mean is... how do I keep myself in a submissive mindset... in sub space?  He gives me tasks and I do them, tho there are times when the last thing I want to do is put on my collar... get on my knees... masturbate... tape it and send it to him.  (yes I do this! ~laughing~ I love it!! *wink* so I am a lil twisted! )  I just miss him so much I can’t stand it... it makes me miss him so much more... the emptiness of not having him becomes overwhelming... thus I struggle to find my head space to complete these tasks.  SoOoOo I find myself being the rebellious lil bitch giving him a hard time or whining when what I should be doing what he tells me!  *pout*  I DON'T wanna be a BAD SLAVE... I wanna know what I can do to help myself...  I WANNA know that I AM NOT alone in this STATE I find myself!! *laughing*  GAWD, I can’t decide if I wanna bitch, feel sorry for myself, whine or sulk!!  What a pain I am being today!!  Sorry ladies...*kissssssssssese*

I swear I will try and NOT bore ya’ll with my lil sob story and wimpy lil questions...it is just that my next visit is but 4 weeks away and, MAN, every day is like a WEEK!!

I am IRON SUB

Any of your oldie-moldie subs out there remember the heavy metal hit song from the early '70s called "Iron Man"? I think Deep Purple or some group like that sang it. Or some of you young sprouts might remember last December's Christmas remake: "I am Santa Claus!"

Well, anyway, for those who remember it, I propose we rewrite it into a theme song for Latches!  Here's the first verse and a chorus:

I am IRON SUB

I have buns of steel
Never quake and never peel
I can endure pain
That drives other subs INSANE.

I drink master's pee
No one drinks more pee than me
I like billy clubs
Especially when used on other subs.

(way cool '70s heavy metal guitar riff)

Chorus:

I enter subspace
At the drop of a hat
I come equipped with
Cane, crop, flogger, and cat.

OK, you creative members of Latches, now it's your turn. Add some more verses and choruses to our unoffical theme song--and I dare you to make them worse than mine. <g>

oh gawd my sides hurt *laughin!*

ok here's my feeble attemt at this *laugh*

oh yes ....i'm an iron sub....

latex and leather and other such stuff
and oh yes, how how i do like it rough
the clamps the chains the whips
'specially when done while grinding our hips

<insert more guitar> (don't take that literally, girls, yanno how we are with orders!)

cool studded collars are all the rage
and how much i love it when inside the cage
most people shudder when said such a thing
but i shudder when he pulls on my rings

oh yes, im an IRON sub.....

Chorus: (as written)
I enter subspace
At the drop of a hat
I come equipped with
Cane, crop, flogger, and cat.

ok, there's my verse.  oh gawd, now i'm laughin more.  i SUCK (no pun intended) at this!!!!!  sending this off cuz i know i aint gonna get better at it.  'sides i might just loose my nerve! .....

Yes! I name the group! Black Sabbath: that's who I was trying to think of and couldn't, so I said Deep Purple instead. I haven't heard  Ozzy's version of that song, but I can just imagine. It's perfect for him.

Thank you, thank you, thank you (bowing and grinning to all) My bubble headed mind filled with useless trivia actually does have a use sometimes!  (Master often wonders...smile)  Actually, when Black Sabbath did that song Ozzy Osbourne was the lead singer...(didn't know that, don't feel bad, he does sound quite a bit different now!)   I don't know if Ozzy wrote it or if the whole group collaborated.

I am IRON SUB

Two-quart enemas
Do not even give me pause.
Fearsome cattle prod
Doesn't even earn a nod.

Branding iron so hot
Only makes me yawn a lot.
All skin below my head
Is either black or blue or RED.

<gratuitous guitar riff>

Chorus:

When Master says, "Strip Slut!"
I drop more than my hat.
I come equipped with
Adequate derriere fat.

<the ever so infamous guitar riff> (almost wanting to change the tune now to AC/DC's dirty deeds *laugh*)

oh yes im an iron sub....

with welts rising on my butt
the Master describes as paper cuts
and wearing the gag is quite a sin
with dribble dripping down my chin (dont ya just HATE THAT when it happens? laffin)

i clench my teeth in so much pain
then fantasies for the gain
of the Dentist bill for the next year
but better that than to not hear....

<more of that infamous guitar riff that i swear by now should be the tune of "dirty deeds">

chorus:
I lick his boots
at the drop of a hat
i come equipped with
my own kneeling mat.

I am IRON SUB

I like corsets tight
And the cane's most fearsome bite.
I lick dirty toes
Love that smell inside my nose.

Heavy chains of steel
Help me grovel, cringe, and kneel.
I wear a panty gag
Three days old, it's quite a DRAG.

(infamous guitar riff time)

Chorus:

My dom enters my face
At the drop of a hat.
I come equipped with
A bottom that aches for a pat.
(another infamous gutiar riff)

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